Love Wins. Suck it.
I don’t really consider myself an eloquent writer. Mind you, I have no problem expressing myself but when I think about the word “eloquence” in relation to blogging, good friends like Jessica Gottlieb and Chloe Jeffreys come to mind. These are fearless, heartfelt blogs that I dare not consider myself in the same league with. And to be clear, I’m not saying that to beg for compliments. I am quite secure in my writing talent, it’s just that I know my limits and strengths well and so I know that being so powerfully poignant and acutely impassioned in blogging is not my style.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve really settled into a few things, too. For example, I find I know more often than not at this point when to keep my mouth shut. When to keep politics off social media. When to refrain from commenting in certain forums. Sometimes I can’t help myself and in those moments, I am proud that I excel at keeping my feelings concise and unprovoked and un-baited. When you do this thing – when you choose to be a blogger or some kind of social media influencer – a lot of people think they know you and I think the funny thing about me is, unless you know me in real life, you probably cannot say you know me well from following me on social media. Or maybe you know me a little but not very well. And that is all by purposeful construct.
I’ve also accepted imperfection. Sometimes you just gotta toss out that “zero fucks” card, roll up your sleeves and get into it. Sometimes you gotta roll down the window and tell the idiot who’s double parked and screwing up the flow of traffic he’s an idiot (yes, I did that recently). Sometimes you have to tell your friend they’re wrong. Sometimes being silent is not power, it’s insanity.
This post is already a million miles away from what I thought it was going to be when I began. I apologize. Like I said, eloquence is not my thing. I guess it’s just that I haven’t been able to stop laughing today and I was trying to understand why. It feels out of place and sort of deranged that I keep laughing. To myself, in the car, at home alone, out with friends…. I just keep laughing. I think about things and I just start giggling like a dimwitted fool.
Best I can tell, having gotten all this out, here’s why:
- This terrible kid tried to rape a girl at a college party. He took photos of her and texted them to his friends. A misogynistic judge sentenced him to three months in jail. His father cried out that his son should not be punished so severely for 20 minutes of poor life choices.
- 128 people were killed in gunfire and explosions last year at an Eagles of Death Metal concert in Paris.
- A talented 21 year old pop singer was shot at point blank range by a mentally ill person who came to her autograph signing session with more than one gun in tow.
- The Republican nominee for President of the United States is a former reality TV star who wants to build a wall along our Southern border to keep Mexicans out of America. He wants their country to pay for it, too. He also wants to exile Muslims and openly mocks women, disabled people and the poor.
- Last night, a young man who has a documented history of mental instability, walked into an Orlando gay dance club with an AR15 Assault Rifle and killed 50 people. He injured 53 more.
- After this shooting, believe it or not, some people celebrated that God was finally coming after “the gays.”
- In some places in America, people I know would not be allowed to pee in the bathroom they identified with because some ignorant twats have decided they are child molesters.
- In December, 14 people were killed and 22 were injured in San Bernadino by a similarly minded gunman.
- Sandy Hook, Columbine, Virginia Tech
I guess, in short, I laugh because, if I don’t, I’ll probably just cry. Or stab myself in the leg with a fork to dull the pain.
I laugh because frankly, I don’t know what else to do and it’s easier to laugh than to be angry and mean. Laughter is a release.
I laugh because you know what? Fuck them.
Chloe Jeffreys says
I deactivated my Facebook today. I’ve never, ever done that before. I’ve clicked off. I’ve deleted my app. I’ve left my phone at home. But today I disconnected myself from the collective consciousness.
Yeah, I’m jonesing. I’m jonesing hard. But I can’t participate right now. I wish I had the courage to replace my moments–all my many moments of silence–with moments of screaming. I’m screaming now for the 49 people who died in vain. How many more? How many more will have to be sacrificed on the altar of the NRA and American fantasies of self-sufficiency and John Waynism.
I’m bereft. I have nothing left.
They’ve broken me, and I have nothing left to give.
Thanks for thinking I’m brave. Because today I ran away.